Color of passion
by Awiszaczarny
Summary: He was broken beyond repair. And it was okay. Because after what happened, he could never be the same anymore. Not this time. Gold/Silver, AU. Slight mentions of Pokemon Adventures manga and HG/SS might occur here and there. Warning: story contains mentions of murder and suicide. I want to make sure you guys are okay with this before you proceed.
1. Chapter 1

Tap, tap.

Heavy rose petals danced around him. They beared the color of passion, so similar to his own carmine strands. He closed his eyes for a second, then released breath he had been holding.

'I'm ready' he thought. He opened his eyes, and then he realized. What danced around weren't petals; it was blood.

Tap, tap, tap.

Blood was dripping down his palms, making him feel him and tainting the grass before him. He looked at the Rocket grunt before him, knife blade straight in her heart. Expresionless, her lifeless eyes staring unseeing at the gray, kissed by the dusk sky before her.

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe.

He will never know her name. He will never know if she had a family, or a dear person to come back to. She died, taking story of her life with herself.

And not only this.

 _Sneasel._

He wasn't ready. His head just refused to twist but he knew he had to. He _had_ to.

Sneasel. She took him down with her. Her death won't bring him back. He didn't want to accept this reality. He just wanted to run, run, run, to the place where nothing hurts. Where the scent of blood didn't make him want to throw up, where wide trees of Ilex Forest didn't mock his pained features and tear stained face. Where he still had someone to live for.

Tap, tap, tap.

It was all over now. But he couldn't accept it, he couldn't.

Still, he had to act. Act fast.

He wasn't ready.

But still, with one quick glance, he took his dead friend into his arms, running away. Tears blurring his vision, blood making him feel dirty, he ran.

'I couldn't save you. Forgive me, Sneasel.'

He was weak, weak, weak. So very weak. He couldn't protect his only friend, his only reason to stay alive.

It was already dark out. Not a single person could be seen on the streets. Good. He made his way towards Mt. Silver. Sneasel was born there and loved this place. Sometimes, when he was sad, he pointed his claws towards snowy mountain that could be seen from the distance. The neverending hail - that could seem dangerous to some people or even Pokémon - brought him happiness and feeling of home every single time. He made it to the freezing cave near the top of the mountain and looked at the scene. The world before him, snowy trees, pure clean snow, shining stars, they were so beautiful, so pure they sickened him. Why couldn't the world suffer with him? Why death of someone so precious was left unsaid, as if it never meant anything to begin with? He looked at Sneasel. His beautiful ruby eyes were closed. Forever. His fur was stained with crimson petals. He was smiling.

Silver eyes blinked, gloved hands rubbing away the tears as new ones continued to form. Heart open, mind broken, he took his friend to his arms. He embraced every frostbite pain in his arms and legs as he lied down. He knew what's waiting for him. But he didn't care. Nothing mattered. Not anymore, he decided, as he felt cold blood stain his clothes and skin on his cheek. But it didn't make him feel sick. Not anymore. The cold made him numb, numb until he couldn't feel. He knew he will never wake up again. He'll never see another sunset. It was okay.

So he thought. But then, he opened his eyes.

What? He wasn't hurt and he couldn't smell blood. He couldn't see Sneasel. He wasn't even on Mt. Silver anymore. he was in bed. Someone's bed. He looked around. The room he was in seemed simple but pretty. There was a TV and a desk with PC on it placed pretty close to each other. On a wooden floor, there was a small blue carpet and a single flower in the far edge of the room for decoration. On the other side of the room, there was a single window with green curtains; a forest could be seen from it.

He was alive. Or so he thought. He pinched himself, the faint pain reassuring him that this is reality. This is reality, and Sneasel wasn't here to make it feel right anymore.

It didn't hurt. Not really. He couldn't feel anything anymore. If someone asked him to picture his state of mind right now, it would be an empty box. He didn't have the will to get away, so he just stayed where he was and looked at bedsheets before him. At last, he lied down and stared at wooden floor before him until sleep has taken control of him again.

When he woke up once more, the sky had color of a warm afternoon and... He wasn't alone anymore. Next to his bed, there was a chair. A cerain boy sat on it, golden eyes examining him with an expressionless face. He knew that boy. He had been a nuisance ever since the day he met him, with his social Butterfree attitude and mighty speeches about trust, joy and friendship every single time they battled. Gold.

But this look, it didn't fit his usually cheerful face and honey coated smile. Raven haired boy looked like he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words to, taking in deep breath and opening his mouth, only to exhale and close it a short while after. At last, Gold just took his hand, and Silver let him. Not like it mattered, anyway. Nothing had a meaning anymore. The silent agreement from Silver was empty, just like his eyes of steel.

"I brought you some food," Gold said finally, handling him a plate that had some neatly chopped berries on it. When Silver made no move to grabe it, Gold just placed it on his bed.

"Silver..." it was hard for Gold. Why wasn't he saying anything? Why wasn't he asking questions? Why wasn't he thanking him for saving his life? He was a hero, after all.

Silver turned his head towards the other trainer. He was looking at him with lifeless eyes and it didn't look like he was going to speak anytime soon.

The whole matter seemed so delicate, so scary, that he didn't know how to bring up the subject. He remembered finally beating Red and officially becoming not only a champion of Johto, but also champion of Kanto. He remembered his joy and high fiving his brave Typhlosion to celebrate their victory. He remembers Red's usual silence, this time followed by a small smile and a nod of his head. He remembers going down the mountain, ready to tell his mom about something that felt like the biggest achievement in his life and... finding Silver in one of Mt. Silver's caves, clinging to a body of a Sneasel... _bloody_ body of a Sneasel, insides out. This scene was terrifying and he had no idea what to do, what to say.

They sat like this for a while, not daring to say a word. Gold looked at the clock in his room and realized how much time had passed. Half of an hour. He decided that it would be best to call it a day, and try to get Silver to talk one more time tomorrow. He begain rising from his chair, and then, he could hear it.

"How could you..."

Silver's voice was quiet. Quiet and raspy. Even with silence in the room, it was very difficult to make words out of his murmurs. But not impossible, Gold thought, although it didn't make things any easier.

 _Storm was coming._

"How could I what? I saved your life, Silver! Me and Exbo brought you here all the way from Mt. Silver, treated your frostbites with mom, which were pretty bad by the way, just for how long have you been there?! Well, nevermind. Then I put you in my own bed, sleeping on the couch myself. I brought you food, and 'how could you' is all I get in return?!" Gold's biting words burned with anger. He had the right to be angry, after everything he's done for Silver.

Right?

"Well, nobody asked you to! I wanted to stay there! You ruined it, you ruined everything..." Silver was perfectly ready to cry, his chest raising up and falling back down at close to impossible speed. His words and his voice were falling apart.

"Where is Sneasel?! Tell me, where is he! How could you take him away, you son of a-" he wanted to continue yelling, he wanted to bestow all sorts of curses upon the Johto champion, and _oh_ , he would, but Gold's right hand suddenly covering his mouth tightly and left hand holding his shoulder in a firm grip made it hard to struggle, combined with lack of food and emotional exhaustion. It was worth a try, anyway.

"Listen to me! I helped you, I saved you! Sneasel couldn't be helped anymore, he..." his voice broke for a moment in the middle of his sentence. He wasn't brave enough to continue what he was going to say, so he decided to move the subject in another direction. "...I should be the one to ask questions! What happened? When I found you in such state, my stomach just flipped, I was scared it was too late for both of you... I want to help, and I've been doing my best to help you all this time too! So tell me, Silver!"

"Shut up!" Silver's scream could beat Exploud's yells for sure, and at the back of his mind, Gold was grateful his mom has gone shopping, although he was mostly focused on the fact that Silver broke from his grip and pushed him on the bed, looking down at him.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" eyes of steel were filled with fury, sorrow and betrayal. His pale hands clawed at Gold's shoulders, making him wince and hiss.

"You're not helping! I wanted to be dead, you bastard! You hear me?! What was happening back then was exactly what I wanted, and you ruined it! Why do you always have to appear out of nowhere and ruin my plans?! What makes you think you can make decisions about my life, and have enough guts to try to make decisions about my death! Who the hell do you think you are?!"

More screams, so loud Gold's ears were aching and his eyes were wide. And then, nothing else was said. Loud sobs filled the room, hot tears falling on Gold's neck and clothes. Gold took a deep breath and closed his eyes, then opened them again to look at the tear strained face of his rival.

Tan hand moved up a bit and rested on Silver's cheek; slowly, gently, he made it to brush some of Silver's red strands.

 _Color of passion._

"Are you okay now?" quiet, delicate voice. It didn't match Gold, Silver thought. Not like it matters, anyway.

"... I don't know."

And this response was better than nothing.

End of chapter I

* * *

Okay guys, I'm back!

I didn't really see the way to continue my previous story, Locked Boy (Tomoka, if you are reading this: I'm sorry!), since all of my ideas usually end with one chapter. I plan to make this one a two-shot though, so I guess this is okay enough?

I'm sorry if it seems chaotic, all my betas currently struggle with their exams (good luck!) and I'm trying to manage without them. I checked this fanfic for possible typos and all other things but if you still see some things being wrong in here, please tell me!

And of course, thank you for reading this crap, I hope to see you all in the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

Hello everyone! Chapter two is here at last! Sorry it took so long. I tried to improve my writing all this time, and I got my beta back so hopefully, I can show you some better quality this time!

 **BEFORE YOU PROCEED:**

This story contains **trigger warnings** , such as: self harm, suicide attempts, mentions of murder and torture.

This story contains **slight romance** scenes here and there between these two characters: **Gold** and **Silver**.

If you're okay with these then without further ado, I wish you a good time reading my story.

* * *

Silver's throat burned, his cheeks hot from emotions and tears. Everything was silent now. He finally had a chance to take his time to calm down.

And, after what seemed like eternity, he did. Loud, desperate gasps turned into steady breathing. He was able to breathe again.

 _'Was it a good thing?'_

Gold withdrew his hand, not wanting to invade other trainer's private space more than he already had. He tried to look away and focus his sight on anything but Silver, the small plant on the other side of his room suddenly becoming more interesting than ever before. Finally, Silver let go, standing awkwardly near the bed, his head bowed down in shame. Gold was happy to be able to move freely again, even though current situation was far from perfect, either. He sat up on the bed and looked down at his palms trying to say something, anything.

"So..." his voice trembled with nervousness, "it seems that you still need to rest a bit."

Silver didn't budge. He just stood there, head bowed down, his long hair covering his face. It was a frightening sight; it made his throat clench painfully. Somehow, all things he thought of saying just didn't feel right to say out loud.

Gold sighed, "You need a pretty good, warm bath after this. You're dirty all over from..." _blood,_ "... sleeping on the ground for at least five hours, so I'd suggest you go clean yourself up. I'll go prepare it for you and also get you some clothes to change. Are you up for it, Silver?"

The other boy's response was simple. A nod, nothing more. His obedience was probably just him trying to make up for his outburst earlier, but Johto champion tried not to bother himself with that more than necessary. As long as there was at least a slight creak in this ice wall his friend built around himself, he will go through it and try his best to crush it down. He went down the stairs and entered his bathroom, opening the door and causing it to create a faint creaky sound.

Gold grabbed quite a big towel and folded it neatly, then placed it on a small table next to the bath tub and turned the water on. After several tries he managed to get the temperature that seemed right to him – not too cold, but not too warm, either. He walked out of the bathroom and got back to his room.

"It's ready," he said, then walked to his wardrobe and took a couple of clothes, "you can put these on when you're done washing up."

Silver nodded and silently grabbed offered items and went to the bathroom, still not looking at Gold, which caused the other boy to let out a small, quiet sigh.

When Silver walked in, he noticed there wasn't really much to see. A simple bathtub filled with water, bubbles visible on the surface as well as the slight, delicate steam, signalizing that bathwater is warm. There was a sink next to it, and a washing machine with couple of towels on it. On a wall, there was a small clock that showed 5:43 pm. Funny, this day is slowly coming to a close, but he feels like it barely just started.

Silver sighed as he began to take off his current clothes. It was then that the weight suddenly signalized that his pockets aren't empty after all. He reached to his pockets, feeling the sharpness on his hands. He knew exactly what it was. His knife, _that_ knife; exact same knife that took someone's life several hours ago. He took the blade into his hands, dried blood on it reminding him of the incident that took place yesterday. He sighed and made a mental note to clean it up later, putting it beside the bathtub. Once he was ready, he grabbed the towel, put it under the knife and stepped in the bathtub, sudden dampness on his skin making him shiver. Eventually, once he was completely in the water, he leaned back, took a deep breath and released it after a while, closing his eyes.

And that was his mistake.

Sudden bang reached his ears, making him jump. He could smell gunpowder. He could see Sneasel falling to the ground. He could hear his pained cry. The shock made him almost jump out of the water. Almost. He managed to stop himself in the process, somehow.

 _'This is torture...'_

Young trainer let out a low groan and hid his face in his palms, water dripping from them back to the bathtub. His muscles just refused to relax, no matter how hard he tried, he _couldn't_. The sounds from previous day kept on replaying in his head like a mad siren song, cacophony driving him insane.

He put away his shivering hands, being able to look at his surroundings again, although he wasn't seeing anything. Blindly, he found the knife he put beside the bathtub before, feeling how numb his body is. He put the blade in the water, weakly trying to wash the blood that was left on it. After he was done, he raised the blade above the surface again.

The tip looked so shiny, so alluring... And the screams and cries in his head were taunting him to sink further into the madness...

Without hesitating, he repositioned his palm to get a better hold of the sharp weapon and sliced his thigh with one quick movement.

 _'Oh...'_

Silver winced at first, but then, when he closed his eyes, he couldn't see blood anymore. Screams stopped, and his mind was finally, _oh_ , finally clear. Muscles relaxed and he leaned back once more, sinking in the blissful feeling. The only sound he could hear was lazy ticking of the old, wooden clock.

"I'm free..." he whispered.

The bliss lasted for around ten minutes.

He opened his eyes, which instantly made him look at the bathtub before him. The warm, delicate orange color of the water made Silver frown with disgust and instantly get out of the water and flush it right afterwards. He took a look at his thigh and realized the wound he made wasn't too deep, and he wasn't sure why that made him let out a small sigh of relief. After looking around the bathroom, he found plasters in one of the drawers. After choosing the best size, he applied it on his skin, easily covering what he has done. He put on his new clothes, not really sure about what to do with old ones. He put them neatly on the washing machine and went out the bathroom.

It was then that unimaginable feeling of guilt hit him like a punch to the stomach, making Silver stop in his tracks while going up the stairs to Gold's room.

"This is so wrong..." red haired boy looked down and murmured quietly, carmine strands covering his face. Suddenly, he felt hotter than back in the water. He burnt with nervousness and embarrassment and guilt. And shame.

 _'How could I... in Gold's bathroom, of all places, when he waits up there, wanting me to go back safe and sound...'_ his breathing quickened, _'after the amount of trust he's shown me...'_

He began walking up the stairs again, footsteps suddenly feeling heavier than before. Once Silver was back in his rival's room, he noticed the other boy was sitting on the bed; Gold's face lighting up when he saw him.

"Silver!" Gold beamed, jumping up and walking to said boy, "Finally, you've been ages! I've been wondering if you fell asleep in the bathtub by any chance..." Johto champion smirked, "... but it seems you're not doing that bad after all."

 _'Yeah, right...'_

The silence that followed made Gold's face serious again and slowly take a step closer towards Silver.

"Listen, I'm sorry about making you angry earlier," soft voice spoke up, "I stick to what I said, I didn't change my mind, but... I imagine it must be already very difficult for you and I don't want to put even more pressure on you."

Tone of his voice was so gentle, so reassuring... it caused tears to form in Silver's eyes. He was still silent. He didn't look up, he was too scared. A simple nod was all he could muster.

"Thanks," Gold laughed softly, relief washing over him in small, pleasurable waves. "well then, are you up for a friendly, reassuring hug?" he asked, head bowing to look at Silver's face past the hairy shield he put around his head. The honey coated, usual smile on Gold's face almost made him want to believe things were okay.

A nod, as simple as this. A while later, he could feel, he could feel something that would have been right if he allowed himself to give in. And he did. Silver closed his eyes, too focused on the pleasant warmth to even pay attention to the fact that this time, he couldn't smell blood and couldn't hear screams.

 _"I'll be with you every step on the way,"_ he heard Gold whisper softly, _"and you'll make it through, I promise you."_

"I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures." _  
_ _―_ **Gail Caldwell** , **Let's Take the Long Way Home: A Memoir of Friendship**

Years later, he is still amazed by how Gold managed to get past his demons on that day.

They never were getting along very well. It's not like they hated each other, but Silver never really wanted them to get closer than they already were, continuing pushing the other boy away.

Maybe it was that he was just scared? Who knows.

Accepting Sneasel and Murkrow as his friends and trusting them was already a challenge, and they were by his side ever since his early childhood. Maybe if Lance didn't point out the things he did back then, they still would be in this situation today. Hurting, crying. While analysing this, reasons why Silver couldn't bring himself to trust Gold are pretty obvious.

Time passed, and true to his word, Gold never left his side, never gave up on trying. Not even once, not even when he walked into the bathroom to see barely conscious Silver with sliced wrist, lying in the puddle of his own blood. Not even though he was choking on his own tears, calling the ambulance.

Or when he was sitting on the hospital chair next to Silver's bed, eyes filled with sadness as he heard Silver talk about things so insane and rotten that they would make any regular person immediately run away from him, slowly massaging his left wrist covered in bandages.

"I must join him," he said on that day, "I wasn't able to protect him. I wasn't able to help him when he needed my help most."

Despite how broken these words sounded, his breathing was calm.

"I was never someone you could call a good friend; I was cold and bitter, all I did was use Sneasel to run away from my past. I hurt him, I hurt him very badly. I screamed at him and I hit him, too. All of this to prove myself that I threw the past away, while in reality, I did that _because_ past was haunting me, and I blamed him for it; I blamed Sneasel, of all creatures, who never did anything wrong. He was just loyal and loving, and one of the only reasons I managed to stay alive after Masked Man's tortures."

"No," Gold said softly, embracing Silver tenderly as if he was a porcelain doll, "you were lost, and lost people are to be loved, not blamed. You made it through a journey of a thousand miles and redeemed yourself. So stop beating yourself up; Sneasel wouldn't want you to. Get up and breathe, take your time, but never forget that it's your life that he wanted to protect."

Tears formed in those cold eyes.

 _"I just... I wish... I wish I had given him more. I wish I had tried harder, I wish I made him happier..."_

Stars are shining bright, and it's cold, but not unpleasant. In fact, it's beautiful. And kind of bittersweet. There is snow dancing around him as it calmly falls down to the earth, sparkling in such a majestic way Silver fully understands why Sneasel loved snow so much.

He looks at the small tombstone before him, and he decides to not sweep the snow that covered it. Sneasel wouldn't want that.

Instead, he takes a look at Gold, who came there with him. He's smiling at Silver softly, grabbing a gloved right hand: the one's that holding a small bouquet of white carnations. He nods confidently.

"Go on," he says.

He takes few steps, getting closer to the tombstone. Finally, he kneeled down and gently placed flowers on soft snow.

"Hello," Silver's voice was cracking like a fireplace, barely above a whisper, "it's good to see you again. Too bad it must be under such circumstances, though. I just wanted to say... that you were a really good friend. And thank you... for not giving up on me. You taught me a lot and I'll never forget about you. I'm moving on." He smiled and with these words, he got up from the ground and looked at Gold.

"So," Gold looked happy and relieved, "you want to stay here a while or are you ready to go?"

Silver walked to Gold and placed a soft kiss to his cheek, which made the latter give him a surprised look. His eyes were shimmering with happiness, though. Silver only smiled further, eyes of steel oddly warm.

"I'm ready, Gold. Let's go."

They walked down Mt. Silver together, hand in hand.

"You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."  
― **Kurt Vonnegut** , **Timequake**

The end.


End file.
